That Sunday before my schedualed procedure, I felt lead to go to church. It took some heavy conviencing, but I got my husband to go as well. I went with intentions of asking God to be with me, and speak to my heart, to help guide me, and to reassure that we were doing the right thing. The pastor started to speak on God having a plan for everyone, she went on to say that before we were born we had a purpose. That God had designed a plan for each and every one of us. That it was up to us to fulfill our purpose. And I then knew that my daughter had a better fate than the one we had planned for her. That she too has a purpose, and that it's my job to make sure she fulfills her purpose!
One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to explain to my husband that I had changed my mind. That I wanted my daughter to have a chance, no matter what, she deserved at least a chance. He told me I was ripping his heart back open, and what he thought we had settled was back up for discussion. We argued and cried and I thought he would never change his mind. Then after becoming emotionally drained, and seperating myself from him, he came into the room, and said, "...I'm with you, let's give her a chance!" I couldn't have hugged him tighter! I instantly felt relieved! I realized the decision was never mine, it was always up to God. I decieded that everything that happens from this day forth, I WILL leave up to God! I lay it at his feet, and I will accept it! I know now that this IS my path! I also know that he will be with every step of the way!
I called UVA first thing monday morning, and was so happy to announce that we had changed our minds. It was the most memorable VALENTINE"S DAY I know that I will cherish for the rest of my life!! It's the day that God saved Aaliyah's heart, by speaking to mine!!
I don't know what the future holds, I know we will go thru what we have to thru, but it's comforting to know that God will be there with us thru the whole journey. Keep us in your prayers!
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Decision To Be Made
I called UVA and I was still very much upset! A nurse got on the phone and then told me that they saw babies born there all the time with heart defects, that there were things that could be done, and for me to try to stay strong for my baby and come in to see what exactly we were up against. Some people have been blessed to speak and be calming, and I was thankful for this nurse.
I had to wait 4 long days to go to UVA. In that time I imagined so many random things. My mind would never stop thinking of the endless possibilites. I went online and everything I came upon went straight to these unfamiliar words...Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I then became obsessed with looking at other people's stories, scared of what they revieled. I then knew this was serious!
The day finally came, we headed off to UVA. I met the cardiologist, the high risk gynocologist, and a number of nurses who seemed to be very eager to meet me. After getting another ultrasound, the doctors sat us down and confirmed that our daughter would be born with HLHS. They then explained that we had a very hard decision to make. It was in our hands whether or not we proceed with this pregnacy, or terminate. We were asked to go home and give it some serious thought.
We walked silent all the way to the parking garage, and then I couldn't take it anymore! I asked my husband, "what do you think?", he then helped me in the car and started explaining his thoughts. "I can't do it Tonya!", he said, and anger immediatly struck me. He went on to say he didn't want to see her suffer, we had to think of our other children, and the more he spoke the more he began to make sense. The drive home was long, and I couldn't get that song out of my head, "I hope you dance". I had remembered hearing it watching a little girl's story on YOU TUBE, that had HLHS. It played over and over in my mind. I looked at my husband and agreed, "We can't do this", I said. The next day I called UVA and told them we had decieded to terminate. They set me up an appointment for 3:00 Feb.14th. (valentine's day). After considering my finacial situation, her condition, my other children, and my husband's feedback, I thought it was best. We had to wait for the weekend to pass, and that Monday I would have to go thru this awful procedure.
Doctor's explained in order to terminate, they would have to stop my baby's heart with and injection thru my abdomen. I then would have to give birth to a lifeless child. They even suggested that I see the baby after birth, for closure. I was terrified! I still wondered, "is this the right thing to do ?" " I don't want to play God, I don't want to have to make this decision!" Something wasn't settled in my mind! I needed answers, and the only on I could turn to was GOD!!!
I had to wait 4 long days to go to UVA. In that time I imagined so many random things. My mind would never stop thinking of the endless possibilites. I went online and everything I came upon went straight to these unfamiliar words...Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I then became obsessed with looking at other people's stories, scared of what they revieled. I then knew this was serious!
The day finally came, we headed off to UVA. I met the cardiologist, the high risk gynocologist, and a number of nurses who seemed to be very eager to meet me. After getting another ultrasound, the doctors sat us down and confirmed that our daughter would be born with HLHS. They then explained that we had a very hard decision to make. It was in our hands whether or not we proceed with this pregnacy, or terminate. We were asked to go home and give it some serious thought.
We walked silent all the way to the parking garage, and then I couldn't take it anymore! I asked my husband, "what do you think?", he then helped me in the car and started explaining his thoughts. "I can't do it Tonya!", he said, and anger immediatly struck me. He went on to say he didn't want to see her suffer, we had to think of our other children, and the more he spoke the more he began to make sense. The drive home was long, and I couldn't get that song out of my head, "I hope you dance". I had remembered hearing it watching a little girl's story on YOU TUBE, that had HLHS. It played over and over in my mind. I looked at my husband and agreed, "We can't do this", I said. The next day I called UVA and told them we had decieded to terminate. They set me up an appointment for 3:00 Feb.14th. (valentine's day). After considering my finacial situation, her condition, my other children, and my husband's feedback, I thought it was best. We had to wait for the weekend to pass, and that Monday I would have to go thru this awful procedure.
Doctor's explained in order to terminate, they would have to stop my baby's heart with and injection thru my abdomen. I then would have to give birth to a lifeless child. They even suggested that I see the baby after birth, for closure. I was terrified! I still wondered, "is this the right thing to do ?" " I don't want to play God, I don't want to have to make this decision!" Something wasn't settled in my mind! I needed answers, and the only on I could turn to was GOD!!!
Heartbreak
We were not prepared for what the doctors told us. I could feel a lump coming up in my throat, and the smiles that were on our faces quickly turned to worried looks and our eyes began to fill up with tears. I immediatly went thru so many emotions at once. I was so hurt and angry! I did't know why this was happening to us! NO, not us! My life has never been easy, I already had my share of grief, how could God put this on me, I know I'm not strong enough for this! Is it something I did, during this prgnancy? My husband's family health history was full of heart disease, is he to blame? What does this mean? Where is the doctor? Why are we in this room by ourselves all of a sudden? What's going on???
Finally, a half an hour later, a nurse came in and told us to call and confirm our appointment with UVA hospital. I then had to wash my face, and walk the walk of shame thru the lobby of a waiting room full of happy expecting mothers who seemed to stare at me as I walked as fast as I could out the front door, obvisiouly upset trying to hide under the hood of my jacket as much as possible. My husband behind me, trying to explain to my mother that we would explain everything in the car. My son there. My world will never be the same!
Finally, a half an hour later, a nurse came in and told us to call and confirm our appointment with UVA hospital. I then had to wash my face, and walk the walk of shame thru the lobby of a waiting room full of happy expecting mothers who seemed to stare at me as I walked as fast as I could out the front door, obvisiouly upset trying to hide under the hood of my jacket as much as possible. My husband behind me, trying to explain to my mother that we would explain everything in the car. My son there. My world will never be the same!
It's A Girl!
On the day of Friday, Feb 4th 2011, my husband and I were so giddy going to my routine ultrasound appointment. This would be the first time we would hear whether or not we were having a boy or girl. Of corse, my husband was set on having another boy. Me, on the other hand, knew that I was carrying a precious baby girl ( I just knew). We made our bets and was off to see who was right, and who would have to suck it up. We both agreed, however, that no matter what, as long as he/she was healthy, that we would be happy!!
In came the doctor, and we started to see images of our child that we never could before. Her little hands, feet, head, and profile made us smile so much that we just melted looking at what God created for us.And finally, with a peep in between the legs, she announced "it looks like a girl!" Pictures were then given to us and we stared at them as we were told to wait for another doctor to come and have a look. It never dawned on us that something could be wrong, we were too caught up in the moment to worry.
Then came the other doctor. He introduced himself and began to explain that the previous doctor had seen what she thought to only be 2 heart chambers in our daughter's heart.
In came the doctor, and we started to see images of our child that we never could before. Her little hands, feet, head, and profile made us smile so much that we just melted looking at what God created for us.And finally, with a peep in between the legs, she announced "it looks like a girl!" Pictures were then given to us and we stared at them as we were told to wait for another doctor to come and have a look. It never dawned on us that something could be wrong, we were too caught up in the moment to worry.
Then came the other doctor. He introduced himself and began to explain that the previous doctor had seen what she thought to only be 2 heart chambers in our daughter's heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)