A Decision To Be Made

  I called UVA and I was still very much upset!  A nurse got on the phone and then told me that they saw babies born there all the time with heart defects, that there were things that could be done, and for me to try to stay strong for my baby and come in to see what exactly we were up against. Some people have been blessed to speak and be calming, and I was thankful for this nurse.
  I had to wait 4 long days to go to UVA.  In that time I imagined so many random things. My mind would never stop thinking of the endless possibilites. I went online and everything I came upon went straight to these unfamiliar words...Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  I then became obsessed with looking at other people's stories, scared of what they revieled.  I then knew this was serious!
  The day finally came, we headed off to UVA. I met the cardiologist, the high risk gynocologist, and a number of nurses who seemed to be very eager to meet me. After getting another ultrasound, the doctors sat us down and confirmed that our daughter would be born with HLHS.  They then explained that we had a very hard decision to make.  It was in our hands whether or not we proceed with this pregnacy, or terminate.  We were asked to go home and give it some serious thought.
  We walked silent all the way to the parking garage, and then I couldn't take it anymore!  I asked my husband, "what do you think?", he then helped me in the car and started explaining his thoughts.  "I can't do it Tonya!", he said, and anger immediatly struck me. He went on to say he didn't want to see her suffer, we had to think of our other children, and the more he spoke the more he began to make sense. The drive home was long, and I couldn't get that song out of my head, "I hope you dance".  I had remembered hearing it watching a little girl's story on YOU TUBE, that had HLHS. It played over and over in my mind. I looked at my husband and agreed, "We can't do this", I said. The next day I called UVA and told them we had decieded to terminate.  They set me up an appointment for 3:00 Feb.14th. (valentine's day).  After considering my finacial situation, her condition, my other children, and my husband's feedback, I thought it was best.  We had to wait for the weekend to pass, and that Monday I would have to go thru this awful procedure. 
  Doctor's explained in order to terminate, they would have to stop my baby's heart with and injection thru my abdomen. I then would have to give birth to a lifeless child.  They even suggested that I see the baby after birth, for closure. I was terrified! I still wondered, "is this the right thing to do ?" " I don't want to play God, I don't want to have to make this decision!"  Something wasn't settled in my mind!  I needed answers, and the only on I could turn to was GOD!!!